This month we are looking at a very painful topic: divorce. Each one of these ladies prayerfully prepared their testimonies to share with us. Thank you, dear Sisters in Christ. When God Brought
Me to My Knees
My experience with
abandonment and divorce is probably not much different than others. I had
no inkling that my husband was having an affair and desired to leave our
family. It shocked me that my husband could so completely turn his back
on his family and God. My husband started his affair when our youngest
son was three months old.
She was a coworker of
his who was having marital problems. It first started as a friendship
then progressed to more since I was preoccupied with my new born son and my
job. The worst part of it all is the fact I know the lady he was having
an affair with and work with her mother. The other woman's mother knew,
but did not say anything to me because her daughter was happy. The two of
them are still together, and they now have a baby together.
Probably the worst part
of it all was the divorce trial. I would not settle out of court because
I knew I had to fight for my boys. Fighting over custody is not easy and
brings out the ugly in some people. I was blessed to have found a
Christian lawyer who understood what I wanted. It is unnerving to see and
hear someone you love say negative and mean things about you to try and show
you are not good for your own children. That was the most heart wrenching
thing to hear. I could not believe that my ex would use my Christianity as a
reason for me not to be a fit mother. His lawyer tried to make me out to
be close-minded and a bigot.
Thankfully, the judge
did not see it that way, and saw past the attempts. Also, I had
to trust God with my finances, because my husband refused to pay child
support. It was hard to not worry about how I was going to pay bills when
I was not getting any support. It was amazing how God worked everything
out with help from family, friends, and my church. God definitely knew
what I needed more than I did. For that I am eternally grateful.
I was completely lost
and shaken to the core. God used this to bring me to him and show me that
I had been trying to do things my way and not his. I was broken and knew
that I could not try and fix our marriage on my own. I knew God was
leading me to him through all of this. Yes, I yelled at God and asked him
why he was punishing me by allowing my family to be torn apart. I could
not wrap my head around how a divorce could be in God's plan as for what was
best for me and my two boys.
My ex and I had three
mandated marriage counseling sessions. These sessions brought so much to
light that I had been trying to fix on my own and not allowing God to lead
me. I found out, that I needed to stop fighting and allow God to work in
my life. I took it upon myself to continue counseling sessions to help my
growth and to ensure I was walking down the path God truly wanted me to
go. Counseling was the best thing I could have done for myself and my
boys. I had an advocate who was right there beside me all the way
helping me anyway that I needed. The pastor I had counseling with was
there to let me work through all my emotions and problems at my speed. It
was wonderful to know I had a safe place where I could go and let it all out.
Getting counseling for my eldest son was also a priority because he was
having a hard time coping. He could not wrap his head around how his dad could
turn his back on God and his family the way that he had.
My family, my ex's family,
my friends, and my church family have also been such a wonderful support for
me. They have all stuck by the boys and me and have been there
unconditionally. I have so many different people to go to for help with
anything. My boys have no lack of Godly father figures to learn from, and
I am so thankful for that. I am glad that God has brought me closer
to my ex's family through all of this and that I can lean on my father-in-law
for help with discipline and love of my boys.
Since the divorce was
finalized, I have moved to be closer to family and friends who are my support
system. My husband is still living with his new family. I am able
to work on showing God's love to them all on a daily basis. I know
that this is what God wants me to do, and it allows me to show my ex that I
still love him. We all pray that God will bring my ex back to himself and
to his family, but if that is not God's will than that is okay. God will
show me his will for the boys and my life. I completely trust him in all
because he has done so much for us already.
Through this whole trial
that has encompassed the last 2 1/2 years of my life I have learned so much
about myself, about God and his will and path for my life. This is
definitely not the path I would have chosen to walk down, but it is the path
God has chosen for my boys and I to walk down. God has laid many
scripture passages on my heart through this all and I have my favorites
memorized and the others written up and hanging in places around my home where
I see them daily. My favorite Bible passages are: Jeremiah 29:11-13,
Romans 8:28, Proverbs 3:5-6 and Philippians 4:4-9. These all give me comfort
when I am having a bad day and struggling a little more than normal.
Stopped
In My Tracks … God Carried us Through
Conflict, Separation,
and Divorce: The three words that can stop any woman in her tracks as she walks
down life’s pathway.
Sometimes, as I look
back, I see that what I thought was a life choice on my part, was only on my side
of my marriage. People must make the decision to remain married for
themselves, no matter where they are in their relationship, whether two years
of marriage, twenty, or more.
At the beginning of our
marriage we seldom argued because neither my husband nor I liked conflict in
our home. We did have a few arguments and quite a few discussions about how our
family was managing. After being assured that I was being too sensitive
about a recent discussion with my mother-in-law, I began to lesson my guard and
tried to understand why a woman who had been married to seven different men
would be telling me to be careful and keep my eyes open for changes that may be
coming (?).
I had been feeling happy
with how our jobs were working out and how we were dealing with financial
difficulties. Some of our greatest needs had been met with the help of an extra
part-time job. So when we were not able to spend as much time together as
we wanted, it was credited to all of the hours that we were working. While I was
working the evening shift, he would watch our two young children. Then he would
load them up in the car and drive to work were he would punch in two minutes
late, so that I could punch out and walk out to the car and he would go into
the building and punch in for his overnight shift. Everything was going
so well that I couldn’t have been more pleased.
Then after a couple of
“guys nights” where he came home very late, I was not so happy. He seemed
to be pulling away and finding fault with everything that we were doing.
He was not happy. But the biggest secret was not one that I was keeping;
it was the guilt of the one he was keeping. There were other people in
our marriage that had not been invited by both of us, so the conflicts began.
He was unable to share
how he felt and he chose to escape our difficulties by having a couple of
girlfriends, as well as other interests. As one thing led to another, the
dishonesty was overwhelming to him, and finally he left. I went to work
one night after asking my family to watch the girls, so that he could go visit
and help his mother at her house. And he
just didn’t come home. I was devastated! I was completely unable to understand that he
was not coming back… ever. He had taken the opportunity to move in with
his mistress, just one of the women with which he created a relationship.
The separation of our
family was complete. Repeated attempts to reconcile with advice, counseling,
and therapy just did not work. It was as if he had made up his mind and there
was no changing any of the circumstances or outcomes. This is not what I
would expect from a soft and gentle spirit and someone who knows that God is
able to repair and renew relationships.
As far as I could see my
life was over. But God had a different plan. This was just one step in
God teaching me to rely on Him … not me, not my husband, not even my church and
the friends I found there.
I read in the scriptures
that a marriage covenant is from now until death do us part (I Corinthians 7:39). I take this to be certain.
Not everyone believes the same as I do, but since I came from a divorced home
with many “girlfriends” and “guy friends” being brought into my relationship
with my mom and my dad, I knew that was not going to be right for me. (I
didn’t like getting to know a new person just to have them disappear after
about two months of visitation or four or five months of being around.
The constant coming and going made me not trust too many adults, and I didn’t
feel like I could be alone with them without them wanting to “get to know me
better” or just getting rid of me.)
So I chose to stay
single at least until my children were grown and out of the house. If God
had a plan of a different path then it would be up to Him to show it to
me. God showed me scripture in a whole new light, like this passage from Isaiah
55:7-9:
“Let the wicked forsake his way, and the
unrighteous man his thoughts; let him return to the Lord, that he may have compassion on him, and to our
God, for he will abundantly pardon. For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,
declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than
your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.”
If raising children as a
single parent was so easy then everyone would be doing it, right? So, I just
kept on doing the best that I could. I would get my children connected
with their Sunday school teachers, youth workers, and youth pastors so they
would have connections with godly examples of how families should work. Sometimes it was a great fit, other times not
so much. But the families in our church would include my children in as
much as they could so the kids would see how godly families were designed.
And I never told my kids
that divorced life was what was easy. The time spent with their dad and
step mom was difficult. And although
they had opportunities to do things with dad that we couldn’t afford to do, I
didn’t want them to think poorly of their father. He was always a hard
worker and really tried to understand why the children were conflicted about
our situation. The conflict that it created for our children was a constant
point of contention in how he and I related as co-parents. His current
wife was not always contributing in a positive way, and it caused conflict
within our family quite a bit.
But,
God is bigger than the
human problems that we construct
God is much wiser than the human mind
God is much more gracious than
the human attitude
So I found peace in
seeking God’s will for not just myself, but also for my “broken” family. We
were a family that prayed together, went to church together, made too much
noise during the service together, and served together in our church through
visitations, nursery work, children’s church and many teen activities. This
is what our family did to combat the inward looking self-pity that often
accompanies divorce. We used our
God-given skills and gifts to reach others with the gospel.
Looking back and
looking around… those who are going through divorce, conflict and separation
are both a mission field and a ministry opportunity just waiting for loving,
patient, godly friends and family to lift them up, befriend them and support them
as they find the path that God has for them through and after the conflict.
Are you willing to reach
out to a family going through this type of conflict? Here is my advice for reaching out to
divorced women and their children:
Pray for them
Tell them you are glad to see them
when they are at church- no matter how many of them are able to make it. Please be gracious and avoid comments like,
"I haven't seen Dave much lately … has he been ill?"
Ask if you could watch the children
so the woman/man can go to the store without taking all the children out.
Invite the children to your home for
an evening meal and family time... this is especially helpful if the father is
absent from the home and not involved with leading family devotions.
Ask if there are any car repairs/
home maintenance issues that you can lend a helping hand to, or recommend a
good expert (plumber/electrician...) to help them when they need someone to
handle a large job.
I am so thankful for the opportunity
to share my story. It was difficult, but
also a blessing to look back now and see again how wonderful our loving Father
is, and how He was always with us during this and all times.
Heartbreak and
Redemption
We were high school sweethearts and
as a senior I knew I was going to marry him. We dated through college and were
married on June 11, 1994.
He felt God calling him to be a
seminary professor. So the focus for
eleven years became his schooling. During that time we moved seven times,
received three degrees, and had three children. In 2005, he was hired at a
seminary, and we settled in loving where God had us.
Around November, 2009 I saw things
that concerned me. When I asked him, he reassured me everything was fine. About
ten months later I stood in the shower sobbing to God, knowing something wasn’t
right. Soon after, I started searching the house – drawers, between mattresses,
closets – I didn’t know what I was looking for, but I was looking.
On October 9, 2010, I found a phone
in my husband’s work bag. I confronted
him. And what I didn’t think would ever
happen to us had happened – my husband was having an affair and the woman was
someone I considered a friend. I was devastated, confused, and numb. When he
asked me to forgive him, I said I didn’t know what that looked like. After
finding out he had bought a ring for the woman, I made him leave.
The next morning was like any other
Sunday except the kids questioned where Daddy was. I said he had a meeting at
church so he left early. After church he told the kids (ages 7, 10, and 11)
that he loved another woman which hurt mommy a lot and was wrong … so he could
not live at home for a while.
I got counseling, and by the end of
November I knew I needed to reconcile. In early December, just as I was
accepting the idea, my counselor asked to see me. When I arrived she prayed
like always, but it was slightly different. She ended with “help Amy to know
how much we love her.” Immediately my heart began beating faster. She said, “He
needs to talk to you. There’s more.” We walked to the pastor’s office, and he
told me they had done things in our house and in OUR bed.
Before I left that day my pastor
said, “I don’t know how you are going to walk into your house or sleep in your
bed tonight, but God loves you.” I replied, “I will sleep in my bed tonight,
because a week ago a friend insisted on buying me new bedding. I’ve had it on
my bed for two days. A week ago I told her it wasn’t necessary. God knew it
was, and He took care of it. I know He loves me.” In February I told him I wanted a divorce. I
couldn’t trust him, and I couldn’t go through this again.
God worked though, and by the end of
April I knew God wanted me to reconcile. One of the things He used was a ladies
conference at our church in March. The speaker said, “When my husband asked if
I could ever forgive him for the sin he committed against me and our children,
I said ‘yes.’” She followed by saying, “In that moment I didn’t need to trust
my husband. I needed to trust God.” The next morning I told him I forgave him.
Around that same time my pastor said
in a message, “The extraordinary acts of God in the world often take place in
the context of the faith of ordinary believers who obey God in circumstances
that are neither pretty nor easy.” April through September included
uncomfortable times in counseling as a couple and dating. It was an exhausting
time for me, because while I knew what God wanted me to do, I wasn’t good with
it. A godly man gave me this advice, “Obey God now and the feelings will come.”
On September 15, 2011, we exchanged
vows in front of our closest family and friends. It wasn’t easy to promise
“till death do us part,” because this time I knew what I was promising. The
past two years haven’t always been easy, because I am still afraid of getting
my heart broken again. He recently spent two weeks half-way around the world
teaching a theology class to a group of pastors – something a couple years ago
he didn’t know if he would ever do again. It was during the time he was away that
God showed me I wasn’t trusting Him with my future. God knew I needed him to be
gone as much as he needed this teaching opportunity.
Things I decided early on:
1. My life would continue. It
didn’t matter what happened the day before, I went to church! I didn’t cancel a
brunch I had planned at my house for that Monday.
2. I would not talk negatively
about my husband in front of my children.
3. I would be kind to him. I
claimed Ephesians 4:32 and often read, “Forgiveness is all about me giving up
my right to hurt you for hurting me.” One time I knew the Lord was telling me
to invite him to stay for dinner. I thought, “I don’t want him here.” Yet, I
felt the same prompting “invite him to stay for dinner.” I actually stomped my
foot and said, “Fine! I’ll let him stay.”
Things God did for me:
1. He loved me.
2. He was faithful in keeping
His promises.
3. He was good.
The morning of October 10, the first Facebook
status I saw was “Circumstances may appear to wreck our lives, but God is not
helpless among the ruins. Our broken lives are not lost or useless. God’s love
is still working. He comes in and takes the calamity and uses it victoriously,
working out His wonderful plan of love” (Eric Lidell). God hugged me in that
moment.
When unable to decide if we should come home for
dinner or just go to Wendy’s to make the evening easier after a crazy day a
friend dropped by and said, “I thought you could use this.” It was a gift card
to Wendy’s! It was like God said, “Let me buy you dinner tonight."
4. He prepared me. That summer we were challenged at church
to read through the Bible in 105 days. Our family took the challenge,
and every day the kids and I spent an hour reading ALL of God’s Word.
5. He took care of my children. My counselor encouraged me
to get a notebook for each of them to write anything related to the situation.
One night I was looking at my seven-year-old’s notebook, and she had written:
“I am scared Daddy won’t get to come home.” Next she wrote “What time I am
afraid I will trust in God.” He brought Scripture to her mind when she needed
it.
6. God provided for us.
He provided a vehicle through my in-laws when
ours wasn’t worth repairing.
He provided financially. The seminary gave me
his paycheck through the end of the year. He started a new job on January 3 so
there was always an income.
He provided a vacation. For a long time we had
been planning to go to Disney with friends in January 2011. In October I was
sure that trip wasn’t going to happen, but God provided every penny.
He took take care of school. My children were in
a Christian school, a benefit of my husband’s job. The seminary graciously paid
the tuition for the remainder of the year, but I knew the following year I
could never afford to keep them there. In March I was hired to work in the
school office. One of the benefits is my kids go free which only God could have
arranged!
He provided a new home. In April I told God He
would have to provide a new house for us to move into before he could move back
in. That August the kids and I moved.
There are no words to express the
pain of betrayal by a spouse. Even with my closest friends by my side I felt
alone. But, God never left me. It was after I told him I was going to divorce
him that I said to God, “It’s you and me, God, and I’m good with that.” I know
He only allowed those things to happen to me that would make me more like
Jesus. And while I can’t say I was
thankful for the trial, God helped me to be thankful in the trial. With all the
things God taught me and did for me during that time I felt like Job when he
said,
“I had heard of You by the hearing of the ear, but now my eye sees You.”
Job 42:5
Here are some ways you can help a
hurting friend:
1. Do something! If you feel a prompting from the
Lord, do it. Remember the bedding and the gift card? He might want to use you
to meet a need in His perfect time.
2. Don’t say “if you need something let me know.”
She won’t know what she needs.
3. Make a meal.
4. Don’t stay silent! Let her know you love her and
that you are praying.
5. Be there for her . . . when she is ready. She
may have just a couple close friends she turns to. Be okay with not being one
of them.
6. Remember she still has the same interests. She
is going to get tired of talking about her situation.
7. Don’t gossip.
8. If she has children offer to take them for an
afternoon. She has gone from having a husband who shared the load to doing it
alone.
9. Sit with her in church. It can be very lonely
sitting in a church pew by yourself when you’ve always sat with your husband.
10.Send cards and include a Bible verse stating a
promise or attribute of God. She can read them when she needs encouragement.
11.Don’t immediately preach at her to forgive and
reconcile. She needs time to process all that has happened. Let God work.
12.Most importantly pray for her!
That she doesn’t make emotional decisions
That she will forgive
That she will be open to reconciliation
That she will be kind to her husband
That she would constantly be in God’s Word and
stay close to Him
That she would see how good God is and know He
loves her
That she will sleep because everything seems a
little better after a good sleep
Hope and Healing Through Christ
When Sara first asked
me to contribute to this article, I was in the half asleep fog of early morning
and agreed to it before I really comprehended what she was asking. I began mulling over some of the things that
helped me through the struggles of being divorced, and I felt excited at the
idea that my experience could encourage someone else. I had every intention of sitting down really
soon and writing out my thoughts…but then I was overcome by fear and
doubt. I have a tendency to think I’m
not good enough, I don’t have any answers, and I can’t help anyone.
Over the holidays I continued
to struggle with these thoughts. It’s
difficult not to feel your “aloneness” more acutely when everything around you
is centered on family, togetherness, and love. I spent too much time feeling empty and alone,
and not enough time thinking about the things I’m thankful for, the true
meaning of Christmas, and the hope and promise of a new year. I somehow forgot all the things that helped
me, and even wondered if anything really did help. I put off writing the article. I think Satan must take particular delight in
distracting me from Christ and what He’s doing by getting me to focus on the brokenness
of my own life.
When you’re divorced, it’s
easy to focus on the brokenness of life.
The shattered pieces are all around: the aching loneliness and rejection,
the hurting children, the weariness and uncertainty. But the reality is that all of us, as humans,
experience these things to varying degrees and in various ways no matter our circumstances,
because we are all broken. There is a
battle for our attention; the brokenness of our lives vs. the victory of
Christ. When I focus on the brokenness of my life, I feel discouraged, unloved,
and alone. But I can choose to turn the
eyes of my heart toward Christ and His love for me instead.
The truth is that I am
deeply loved by the very Creator and Sustainer of the universe. In John 15:9
Jesus says,
“Just as the Father has loved Me, I have also loved you; abide
in My love.”
In Galatians Paul says that
the Son of God loved me enough to give Himself up for me. And in Ephesians he tells me that the love of
Christ surpasses knowledge and that knowing that love will fill me up. I don’t need to feel empty and broken,
because God loves me so much that He became broken for me, so that I could be
whole in Him. Remembering the truth of
who I am in Christ gives me the courage to face each day as it comes, believing
that God is loving and good, and that He has a plan and a purpose for me. My hope is in Him, not in my circumstances
here on earth. To quote the hymn,
“Turn
your eyes upon Jesus, Look full in His wonderful face, And the things of earth
will grow strangely dim, In the light of His glory and grace.”
Thank
you, dear Sisters, for sharing your stories with us. I am so very sad for what you have gone through. At the same time, I am awed by God's loving provision for you and your families. Thank you for helping us learn from you, gaining wisdom and understanding to more compassionately lift up our divorced sisters and their children. May
God continue to lavish His love on you and your families!
Images courtesy of http://www.canstockphoto.com/images-photos/divorce.html
Now, if you had told me I would be watching this scene six months ago, when we first arrived, I may have believed you, but I probably would have simply hoped it might be true. When we arrived, the pain of separating from her brother and sister were too new. The discomfort and difficulty of schooling for her and for her younger brother were also too new and painful. What you imagine life may look like as a missionary in 
Our path brought us to The Gambia a year after I had emergency brain surgery. In August 2011 I collapsed from a cyst creating a large amount of spinal fluid to build up in my brain. Had this occurred here in The Gambia, there would have been no medical treatment available to save my life. If you had told me then that a year later I would be living in The Gambia it would have been so very difficult to imagine. But our heavenly Father knew all of these details years ago. We had originally expected to raise our support, arriving here within three years of the journey’s beginning and bring all four children to The Gambia to experience life together. However, seven years later we arrived here, with our oldest two children in the States and our youngest two children with us. There have been no surprises to our omniscient Father. Jeremiah 29:11 tells us, 
“I know the plans I have for you”, declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” 
