God Can Be Trusted

Taking a fun train ride with Daddy at the zoo.  This picture reminds me that my family can go forward confidently with God . . . no matter what the future may bring, we can trust our Conductor.

It is pleasant to have the sun warming me through my winter window this morning. My heart feels cold after another miscarriage, and I grieve the loss of my child.  Little did I guess last week, when I posted memories of our Jewel, that the life of the newest member of our family would be so short.  Psalm 127:3 clashed head on with Job 1:20-22:

"Behold, children are a gift of the LORD, the fruit of the womb is His reward." Psalm 127:3

"Then Job arose and tore his robe and shaved his head, and he fell to the ground and worshipped. He said, ‘Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked I shall return there. The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away. Blessed be the name of the LORD.’ Through all this Job did not sin nor did he blame God." Job 1:20-22

This morning as I tried to get breakfast around, moving my tired aching body, my tears welled up not from chopping the onions, but from my sorrow – my child has died. 

While I know this is true ... there will be no need to pull out the maternity clothes, no exciting birth announcements, and no need to put "Baby Coming!" on my calendar for October ... I also remind myself that his/her death is only part of the story. Our little Jade wasn’t allowed to sit in the baby swing, coo, receive hugs and kissies, say "Mama" or "Daddy," eat a blueberry pancake, or have his or her toes tickled. These were my hope, but God had something better in mind for Jade.  And he/she is very much alive!



Centuries ago, when King David grieved the death of his child, God revealed to him that he would get to see his child again in the future:

"I will go to him but he will not return to me."    

2 Samuel 12:23

My child was and is a real person, designed by God, known by God, with a divine purpose for his/her life:

"For You formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother’s womb. I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; wonderful are Your words, and my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from You, when I as made in secret, and skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth; Your eyes have seen my unformed substance; and in Your book were all written the days that were ordained for me, when as yet there was not one of them. How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How vast is the sum of them! If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand." Psalm 139:13-18

Someone innocently asked me, "How old was Jade?" With complete appreciation for their good intentions, it simply doesn’t matter how far along I was, nor how old Jade was when he/she died.  Jade was alive, inside me. Then Jade died, inside me. Death of a loved one is always painful … there is never enough time.



In my mind I had already planned where the baby bed would be, pictured my boys' excitement in meeting a little sibling, and was seriously thinking through names.  I wondered what Jade would look like and could envision a future of getting to know this person as they grew up, praying and trusting that he/she would grow up to love and serve God.  I’m trying to thankfully reflect on the brief time we had together. Just a little while to treasure my special secret … to dream … to prayerfully dedicate this child inside me to God.

Even though God saw fit to take Jade home, it doesn’t mean I can’t trust Him. God knows all and can see everything. In comparison I’m like a blind ant scurrying around, unable to see the rock 10" ahead of me. This God Who knows how small I am, lovingly calls me His own. He knows my grief. He promises never to leave me – He is holding me. When I am at the point of not being able to pray, utterly weighed down by sadness, He is working behind the scenes to bring the answer to my needs. He reaches out to me with . . .

His Word

Himself

My husband Tim

Caleb & Joshua (my children on earth)

Friends

Family ...

and beauty in unexpected places



God  has provided!  One friend, not knowing why I wasn't feeling well, suspected, and brought me a beautiful bouquet of flowers.  They have been a balm to my spirit.  A close friend brought a meal and took the boys for a couple hours.  A precious neighbor helped in various amazing ways, providing the support we needed at just the right moment.  Our pastor and his wife got on their knees to pray for us, asking how they can help.  My sister took our boys for a couple of days so we can rest and have time to grieve.  Friends and family have prayed and offered suppport.  They have rejoiced with us and grieved with us about Jade.



I'm not sharing my heart with you so you can feel sorry for me.  Please don't!  I want you to know that we have a beautiful child in Heaven named Jade.  And far more importantly, I want you to know GOD CAN BE TRUSTED.  We can have joy in our hearts, and we can smile through our tears, because God is real!  Whether God gives you a husband or not.  Whether He gives you children or not.  No matter what the diagnosis, no matter how many lost dreams you experience, nothing changes Who God is.  And Jeremiah 29:11 is still in the Bible.



It’s okay to grieve. He can help me through. He has a plan. He will not waste this. There is hope!  And someday, I will look into the eyes of Jesus, and He will introduce me to my beautiful treasures - Jewel, Gem and Jade … who by God's grace never experienced the pain of this earth – only the beauty of God in His home. I was never able to tell them about Jesus, but the first One they ever met was Jesus.  I am a very blessed mother of five.   May all my children bring Him glory, there and here.

Suggested resource for those suffering a loss of a child before or after birth:  Grieving the Child I Never Knew by Kathe Wunnenberg

Little Jewel

Five years ago today we experienced a new kind of loss.  We were just a week away from telling the world that our home was being blessed with another baby.  Then came the cramping, the blood, the tears.  Even though Little Jewel is safe and happy with God, we still miss him or her today.  We look forward to our reunion with Jewel and his or her little sister (who early in my pregnancy went to be with Jesus almost 2 years ago now).  We don't understand God's plan, but we know we can trust Him.  One big reason He must've taken Jewel home is because He wanted there to be a jolly little Joshua!  I'm going to reach back into the archives and share what was on my heart five years ago ...

Our Little Jewel

February 7, 2007

We have many treasures in Heaven where God is.  But we recently added another, or rather God thought our little Jewel is so precious that He wanted him or her there with Him.

At the end of December we found out that we were expecting our second child.  We were so very excited and praised God!!  Of course there is the sigh that says, "Here we go again!  Are we up to it?  Things are gonna change!"  We happily began making plans for 2007 and in the goals for August it simply said, "Get ready for Baby" because Baby Skinner #2 was supposed to arrive around September 4th.  We chuckled that it was near Labor Day and felt contentment in our hearts as we again made ready for change.

January had a difficult start because we had picked up a Type A flu bug somewhere.  The month consisted of recovering from Christmas and sickness while preparing for the 29th - Caleb's 1st birthday!    At the beginning of the month I was a little fearful . . . would I have morning sickness?  Would I be able to do everything I wanted to do before family came to celebrate?  Every day I got up and God gave me the strength to do what I needed to do.  Sometimes I had to rest, but I had hardly a quesy feeling and daily thanked God for that good feeling!!  The day approached and we were ready.  The guest room was decorated, I thoroughly cleaned and Tim shampooed the carpets.  The house was really looking good!

We talked about how we should tell our parents about Baby and decided to give Caleb an outfit for his birthday that said, "Big Brother" on it.  It was so cute - bright blue with black wording that matched the stripes on the pant legs.  It was lovingly wrapped and awaited the big day.  We left that gift for last so that the focus could be on Caleb for his special day. 

Grandpas and Grandmas came and we had a wondreful time together!  After lunch was gift opening.  He received so many lovely cards and gifts.  When we helped him open the Big Brother outfit Tim videotaped our parents expressions.  My mom was the first to "Pop"!  and the others looked kindof shocked.  What rejoicing we shared!!  : )  Everyone was happy about Baby!!  Caleb's birthday was so special and has such wonderful memories for us.  We have many pictures to share with him someday!

Our families were all gone back home by Tuesday, the day after Caleb's birthday.  I felt tired, especiallly on Wednesday.  I felt like I couldn't move and spent much of the day lying down.  On Thursday I had some spotting and felt some initial alarm, but when I read up on it I found that spotting is common.  So that made me feel better.  However, it got worse on Friday.  Tim and I had planned on a date that night with the Kirchners watching Caleb.  I didn't really feel like going out, but Tim thought it would be good for me.  So we went to Hy-Vee for Chinese and then for a drive.  The moon was full and beautiful.  I had made some chocolate chip cookies to surprise Tim and put them in a gift bag with a note that said, "I love you, Tim! (heart)"  It was a special night, but I was not feeling well and was anxious to get home.

On Saturday we decided I should be extra careful.  Tim fed me a delicious breakfast in bed, complete with his famous pancakes!  I figured out that it was our 45th month anniversary!  : )  The spotting continued, and I was not feeling much better.  It was getting boring staying in bed all day!  On Sunday I couldn't go to church and felt icky.  Tim went in the morning, so I had to lift Caleb.  I overdid making a nice dinner.  I thought I was feeling stronger, but something still didn't feel right.  The bleeding continued, and I was really concerned. 

Sunday night the bleeding turned into clotting and we were scared!  We didn't know what to do, so I suggested we call a friend - she had had a miscarriage and would know how to help us.  It was so hard to call her at 10:30 at night and tell her, "I think I'm having a miscarriage."  She didn't even know about our little Baby, yet.  Poor friend.  She was wonderful, as usual, and encouraged us to call the emergency room.  They suggested we try the clinic number again and that we would be able to talk to a doctor. 

 

We were able to talk with the dr., and she was encouraging.  She said not to worry, just to call in the morning to make an appointment.  She said that the baby could still be okay.  We felt a little better, but I didn't sleep much that night.  I definitely felt God's comfort over us.  I was glad when morning came, and so grateful that we hadn't had to go to the emergency room during the frigidly cold (-10) night!

We went in for an ultrasound at 1:30.  They took some blood first to see what my hormones were doing.  The ultrasound was kindof scary because I was hoping to see a baby with a heartbeat.  The lady wasn't allowed to interpret the pictures for us, but I asked her if she could show us where the Baby was.  She said she could do that.  But she didn't.  We were kindof scared.  Next we waited to see our dr.  She came in and asked what had been happening.  She told us that she looked at the ultrasound pictures and there was no baby in there that she could see!  She thought we had either already miscarried or that it was a tubal pregnancy, which would mean surgery.  We were so disappointed, and I felt troubled about facing possible surgery.  She was so kind to us!  She said that we would need to come back on Wednesday to see if my hormones had dropped (since they were still so high).  But she warned us that if we felt any sharp pains to call the clinic, and if it were after 5 to go to the emergency room without delay.  Tim looked sad and disappointed across the room.  We left the office sad and shocked.  I cried a little in the elevator.  Tim hugged me close.

We went home in shock.  We called our parents to tell them.  Then I took a long bath with comforting hymn music in the background.  That night I looked at Tim and said, "I can't believe our Baby is gone!" and I cried.  Tim isn't much for crying, but I could see he was sad.  He held me and we grieved together.  We decided to believe that Baby was already gone and not to worry about sharp pains or surgeries.  Thankfully this is Wednesday and neither occured. 

 I went back to the clinic today to have blood work done.  The hormones had dropped from 4,000 to 2,000 (approx.) . . . I need to go back again in a week to make sure they are back to zero.  Our dr. was very kind and said that we probably miscarried on Sunday.  She said we can try again in a couple months and we should have another baby real soon.  I thanked her for being so kind, and I told her that, "We are disappointed, but we trust God's plan."  I hope that she can see Christ in us.  God helped me when I was scared to go to the clinic - thank you God, for giving me comfort and joy when humanly speaking there was little hope.  We have a lot of hope in You!!!

We decided to call our Baby Little Jewel because he or she was very small (about 1 inch) and very precious to us.  I still feel weak, but I can tell people are praying for us.  Tim told me tonight that he misses our Baby and is disappointed.  We had made so many happy plans!!  Now 2007 takes on a different tone.  Thankfully God is using this to draw us closer to Him and to each other.  We can see so many ways that He helped us and is helping us!!!  God, if you can use this, please do. 

As we think of our Little Jewel we thank God that he or she is with Him, safe and loved.  We also look forward to meeting Little Jewel someday!  : )  I will never forget our Baby, and he or she will always be special to me.  And I pray that we will be able to have more children someday soon.  God knows.  God gives and God takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord!!

Image courtesy of http://office.microsoft.com/en-us/images/|

How To Get Better ZZZzzzzs

Do you have trouble sleeping peacefully through the night like I do?  For me the cause can be a busy mind, not wanting to slow down (party time!), worries, or a physical ailment.  I know this problem can either wear and grind, tempting me to whine and grouch at my family.  Or, it can draw me to God in prayerful dependence.

God has a purpose in sleeplessness and restlessness.  That purpose is greater than our need for sleep.  One of my favorite poets, George Herbert (1593-1633), imagined what may have occured when the triune God planned our creation.  I love this ancient poem:

The Pulley

When God at first made man, having a glasse of blessings standing by;

Let us (said he) poure on him all we can:

Let the worlds riches, which dispersed lie,

Contract into a span.

So strength first made a way;

Then beautie flow'd, then wisdome, honor, pleasure:

When almost all was out, God made a stay,

Perceiving that alone of all his treasure

Rest in the bottome lay.

For if I should (said he)

Bestow this jewell also on my creature,

He would adore my gifts in stead of me,

And rest in Nature, not the God of Nature:

So both should losers be.

Yet let him keep the rest,

But keep them with repining restlessnesse:

Let him be rich and wearie, that at least,

If goodnesse leade him not,  yet wearienesse

May tosse him to my breast.

George Herbert, 1633

There are many practical ideas to help one sleep better.  I'd love to hear what works for you! Here are a few I've picked up along the way:

Don'ts

- Don't eat after 7 p.m.

- Don't be too active just before you need to sleep (walking or stretching is okay).

- Don't eat dairy products late - they take at least 4 hours to digest.



Do's

- Ask God to relax your mind and help you sleep.

- Turn off the TV and computer at least one hour before bed time.

- Exercise (earlier in the day)

- Keep your room organized and beautiful = a restful oasis.

- An idea from my Dad: beware of pride - your ideas aren't so important that they can't wait until tomorrow. :)

- For a mind that won't slow down, listen to the radio on low volume all night.

- Have a regular bed time, and don't deviate from it more than 30 minutes on the weekend.

- Read or do something that relaxes you, saving a Bible verse for just before you nod off.

- Try lettuce tea.  Pour a cup of boiling hot water over a handful of lettuce in a mug, and let it steep for 30 minutes.  I've tried this once, and it was amazing how it relaxed me.  One of my friends quipped, "It worked for Peter Rabbit!"

- Journal before bed.  This especially helps me if I direct my entry to God, telling His all that's on my heart.

- Pray down your mental list of needs, remembering not just your needs but the needs of others.

- To relieve your mind, keep a notepad next to your bed to jot down thoughts.

- Quote Bible verses you've memorized.

- List your blessings by going through the alphabet, or list characteristics of God and thank Him for Who He is: Almighty, Beautiful Savior, Counselor ...

Rest isn't a right - it's a gift.  Let "The Pulley" of restlessness draw you to God.

"I will both lie down in peace, and sleep; For You alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety."  Psalm 4:8

Image courtesy of http://office.microsoft.com/en-us/images/

You're On!

"...that you put off, concerning your former conduct, the old man which grows corrupt according to the deceitful lusts, and be renewed in the spirit of your mind, and that you put on the new man which was created according to God, in true righteousness and holiness."  Ephesians 4:22-24

My word for February is "On."  (to find out more about my word for the month, look above at God Appointments - Chocolaty Choices article).  What do you think of when someone says "on"?

- Turn on the light

- Turn on the radio

- Supper is cooking on the stove

- Workable, energized

- Accessories

- You're on! (a challenge)

- On to bigger and better things

- It's always greener "on" the other side

- The best words after a power outage: "Power's on!"

- On Friday we are going to the basketball game

Taking on new habits to replace poor discarded ones can be exciting!  This morning I woke up early, brainstorming about what I need to "put on."

Putting On New Habits

I started with facing my need to be more organized in my homemaking.  Thankfully there is a terrific resource already out there for people like me: http://www.flylady.net/. Along with great cleaning tips, I found a great article that gave me a quick recipe for keeping your hair shiny ... it involves apple cider vinegar - check it out!

Putting On New Attitudes

You know what?  I've realized this week that I talk negatively to myself all the time!  That's got to stop!  With God's strength I can accomplish what He wants me to do, and I don't need to beat myself up all the time.  I need to sift all thoughts through Philippians 4:8 ...

"Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things."

One of the best books I've read about the mind is by Dr. Caroline Leaf - The Gift In You.  In a clear biblical manner, Dr. Leaf describes from a medical point of view how it really is possible to renew your mind.  Very encouraging.

Putting On Creativity

I'm custom designing a personal notebook with a sheet for every week.  Some things I need to include on my list are:

- Menus

- Calorie intake

- Exercise log

- Daily diary

- Grocery list

- To do list

- Bible verse of the day

That's just the beginning!  I'm praying as I go along, and God is giving me wisdom and creative ideas that are best for my family.  I know He can do the same for you.  Praying for you today!

 

P.S.  Here is one of my favorite passages about putting off/on ...

Colossians 3:1-17 

"If then you were raised with Christ, seek those things which are above, where Christ is, sitting at the right hand of God.



Set your mind on things above, not on things on the earth.



For you died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God.



When Christ who is our life appears, then you also will appear with Him in glory.



Therefore put to death your members which are on the earth: fornication, uncleanness, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry.



Because of these things the wrath of God is coming upon the sons of disobedience,



in which you yourselves once walked when you lived in them.



But now you yourselves are to put off all these: anger, wrath, malice, blasphemy, filthy language out of your mouth.



Do not lie to one another, since you have put off the old man with his deeds,



and have put on the new man who is renewed in knowledge according to the image of Him who created him,



where there is neither Greek nor Jew, circumcised nor uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave nor free, but Christ is all and in all.



Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, put on tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, longsuffering;



bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do.



But above all these things put on love, which is the bond of perfection.



And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to which also you were called in one body; and be thankful.



Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly in all wisdom, teaching and admonishing one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with grace in your hearts to the Lord.



And whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him."

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